A Place to Call Home | 19

One morning, Gaby receives a call and learns some surprising and exciting news. Her documentary about the conservation efforts in Mua Pel'am has been nominated for a Starlight Accolade, one of the film industry's most prestigious awards! It's been out of her hands so long she's nearly forgotten about it, so it's hard to process the idea that her work has had a real impact beyond Sulani's shores.

But it has! She's been invited to the awards ceremony in Del Sol Valley and everything. It seems like a missed opportunity not to attend, but what will she say in the unlikely event that she actually wins? What on earth will she wear? She's never put on a fancy designer dress in her life, and she can't remember the last time she spent more than five minutes on her hair or makeup routine. She'll have to consult with her sister Ana on what's considered high glamour in Del Sol Valley these days.

Over breakfast, she shares her unbelievable news with Alvin and Noelani. "Congratulations, honey," Alvin replies with a proud smile. "I always knew you would be recognized for making a real difference in the world one day." He pauses for a moment and furrows his brow in concern. "Wait, does this mean I have to wear a suit? I didn't even wear a suit at our wedding!"

"Well, who said you were even invited?" Gaby asks, and, for a moment, Alvin's expression turns serious. "I'm just kidding! Of course you're invited! Noelani, sweetie, what are you going to wear?"

Noelani has barely glanced up from her phone all morning. "I think it's cool and all that you were nominated," she mumbles, her eyes remaining glued to the screen, "but I don't really want to go. I'd rather stay here if that's okay."

Lately, Noelani has been changing, in the obvious physical ways, yes, but in other, more internal ways, too. She seems to have shrunken into herself, becoming more and more reclusive. It's a struggle to even get her to the table for a family meal, and more often than not, she eats hardly anything, just pushes her food around on her plate until she's excused and can make a beeline back to her bedroom. She's hardly been seeing her friends at all and seems to always have an excuse ready for why she can't accept their invitations to hang out. Instead, she spends most of her time playing computer games or reading alone behind closed doors, her earbuds constantly blaring loud rock music. It's clear she would rather escape reality than participate in it, but the reason behind that preference is less clear, at least to her parents, who suddenly feel like they're raising a stranger.

The only living creature she seems to enjoy interacting with anymore is Meli. She's always volunteering to take her out for a morning jog, and in those few brief moments before and after their time together, she seems truly happy before reverting back to her new surly self. She wears baggy sweatpants and hoodies every time, as if she's trying to hide as much of herself as possible from the outside world. Once, Gaby remarked lightly that she had no idea how Noelani could stand to be out in the sun in so many layers of clothing, and Noelani didn't speak to her for nearly two days after. She never brought it up again.

Both of her parents have understandable misgivings about leaving Noelani at home alone for several days. Then again, maybe some time on her own is exactly what she needs to snap out of whatever negative phase she's fallen into. Maybe she's itching for more independence and is feeling stifled by their constant presence. Despite their concerns, they decide to go ahead with booking two tickets to Del Sol Valley, with the caveat, of course, that they'll be calling home to check in regularly.

The hustle and bustle of Del Sol Valley is a bit of a culture shock for Gaby and Alvin when they first arrive. It's been a long time since either of them have been anywhere like it. It's certainly a far cry from Sulani, the lapping waves of the ocean and lush tropical flora replaced by the constant roar of cars speeding on the freeway and flashy billboards advertising the latest consumer crazes.

The scattered palm trees are so few and far between that they actually begin to look unnatural, an incongruous and strange sight against a backdrop of uniform skyscrapers constructed from metal and glass. They're glad they'll only be spending a few days here, as they're already missing the far more laid-back atmosphere of the islands. Here, there's never a moment of calm and quiet; it's difficult at times to even hear your own thoughts.

Still, there is much beauty to be appreciated. It just takes a little longer to find. This waterfall may be man-made, but the smooth, steady rushing of the water instantly reminds Gaby and Alvin of home, and they take their time enjoying it.

Since the awards ceremony isn't until tomorrow evening, they take advantage of the opportunity to be tourists for a day. Their first stop is the Del Sol Theatrical Museum, which is full of memorabilia documenting some of the biggest film successes of the past several decades. In typical tourist form, of course, they snap a selfie commemorating the experience before even stepping foot inside.

Alvin is particularly amused by a UFO prop from an early sci-fi movie. "Can you imagine a time when everyone thought aliens couldn't possibly exist in real life? Things must have been so dull back then! Now, we wouldn't bat an eyelash if we saw one of these things hovering overhead. It'd just be another day that ends in the letter 'y!'"

Upstairs, they admire the museum's collection of major awards that have been donated over the years by their famous recipients. When another visitor sits down next to them, Alvin boasts proudly, "My wife's up for one of those Starlight thingamajigs, you know? Maybe one day the museum will be asking her to make a donation."

"Honey, stop," Gaby says modestly, her cheeks growing red. "I probably won't even win. Have you see the documentaries I'm up against? They're amazing and made by far more accomplished directors than me!"

They'll soon know whether or not that turns out to be true. The next night, they arrive early at the Westridge, Del Sol Valley's most legendary and luxurious lounge, having been unable to contain themselves to their hotel room for a moment longer. At the bar, Alvin enthusiastically orders them a round of the most expensive cocktails available. As for her dress, in the end, Gaby decided to source it the ethical way, seeking out one of Sulani's most revered seamstresses for a garment that is striking enough for the occasion but also pays homage to the island's traditional textiles and patterns.

They're so early they manage to easily score front row seats, though the real celebrities will likely arrive to kick them to the back at any moment. Of course, it only makes sense that the biggest names nominated tonight would show up fashionably late.

"Oh my god," Gaby mutters under her breath when she realizes the next award to be handed out is already her category. "I thought I would have more time to prepare. I'm hardly drunk enough to go up there and make a speech. Oh, please, who am I kidding? It would be absurd if I even won. I'm a first-time documentarian, and everyone else is so much more established..." All of a sudden, she becomes aware of Alvin's hand shaking her knee more and more insistently. She snaps out of her anxiety spiral. "What is it?"

"Babe, I'm pretty sure he just called your name."

"I... me... he... What?!?"

The award is so much heavier (and shinier!) than she anticipated. She nearly drops it upon accepting it from the announcer. "Oh, wow," she exclaims, stepping up to the microphone. A squeal of feedback erupts from the sound system, and she lowers her voice slightly. "I don't even know what to say. This is such a tremendous and unexpected honor!"

"I have to thank my family, of course, especially my husband Alvin, who's sitting right over there in the front row - and looking incredibly handsome tonight, I might add! Babe, I love you so much more than words could ever say!" Alvin blushes and takes a sip from his drink then nods to encourage her to keep going.

"Oh god, I promised myself I wasn't going to cry." She pauses for a moment to clear the tears from her eyes. "Finally, I have to express my endless gratitude to Sulani itself and all the warm, kind, and generous friends I've made there. This film never would have existed without them. I arrived as an outsider, but they accepted me with open arms. To play such a significant part in the island's restoration efforts has been one of the biggest honors of my life. Sulani has a bright future now because its occupants have decided to take conservation seriously. I hope the rest of the world will look to their achievements and be inspired. Thank you, and good night."

She returns to her seat next to Alvin and immediately collapses, her shoulders sagging as she exhales shakily. "That was one of the scariest things I've ever had to do in my life," she whispers.

"Are you sure you're counting the time you defeated an evil sentient plant the size of a house?"

"Yes!"

Alvin shrugs. "You did a fine job. Anyway, it's not like many people saw it. I guess it's true what they say about no one wanting to show up for the technical awards. What do you think? Should I get you another drink to take the edge off?"

Once the ceremony is over, they walk along the boulevard for a while to cool off and take in the night's experiences. "I just have to tell you one more time how proud I am of you," Alvin says, embracing Gaby tightly. "You've been destined for something big all along. Who knows! Someday, your name might appear on one of those tiles."

Gaby laughs. "I don't know about that. Tonight was fun, but I'm not really interested in becoming a celebrity. I'm so happy that what I'm doing resonates with others, but that's not why I'm doing it. I'm doing it because I love Sulani. Speaking of, I can't be the only one who's starting to feel a little homesick, can I?"

Before they head back to the hotel, though, they take one last selfie to immortalize the night, especially since neither one of them is sure when they'll get all dressed up like this again. Gaby sends the photo to Noelani with a tongue-in-cheek caption about how they hope she's behaving herself, but she doesn't text back. Most of her communication since they've been away has been monosyllabic, just enough to let them know she's alive and nothing else. Gaby wishes she could uncover the root of Noelani's recent behavior, but it just grows more and more baffling by the day.

Still, she tries to mask her concern with a pleasant face when they arrive home. It's a difficult facade to keep up, though, when she finds Noelani hunched over her tablet in sweatpants and earphones, surrounded by dirty dishes and half-eaten food, like she hasn't moved once in all the time they've been gone.

"Looks like somebody has fallen behind on her chores without her parents around to nag her," Gaby jokes, keeping her tone as light as possible. "Guess you're not quite as self-sufficient as you thought you were, huh?"

"Mom, please," Noelani groans and launches herself off the sofa to shove past her. "I'm not in the mood right now."

Out of nowhere, she breaks down into loud, hiccuping sobs. Tears stream from her eyes like an overflowing river that's finally broken free of its dam. Gaby is taken aback, but she knows she has to put her own hurt aside. Clearly, what she thought was a harmless joke is just the straw that broke the camel's back, so to speak. There's something much deeper going on here, something that's been building up for a long time now, and it's her job as a parent to help Noelani navigate whatever it might be.

She allows most of Noelani's tears to subside before stepping in. "Sweetheart, I know talking to me isn't your favorite activity in the world right now, but if you just tell me what's going on, you might be surprised how much better you'll feel. What do you say you turn off the music for five minutes and come sit down with me so we can work through this?"

As soon as they're alone together with the door safely closed, Noelani explodes. "Mom, I'm such a nobody! I'm stupid and ugly and fat and boring! That's the worst thing of all, I'm boring! I have no personality! It's like I don't even know who I am! I'm just a dumb, uninteresting, useless shell of a human being!"

"Honey, you're none of those things." Gaby rests a gentle hand on Noelani's shoulder to calm her ragged breathing. "Where is this coming from? Who's putting these ideas into your head?"

Noelani sighs heavily before continuing.

"I wanted to have fun while you were gone, and I tried, I really did, but every time I'm around my friends now, it's so awkward. I just freeze up. I can't do or say anything without feeling like a huge idiot. Mom, they're so... put-together. They always look perfect. They're so confident and carefree. They know exactly who they are and what they want their futures to look like. I'm... the opposite of that. I wake up every morning feeling like a different person, but none of them seems any closer to the real me. I don't have funny or interesting things to talk about. I don't have a body that looks perfect in a bikini. I don't have a model-like face. I don't have exciting life goals. Nothing about me is special or unique."

"What's the point of existing if I don't even feel like a real person most of the time?" she finishes breathlessly. "I just don't understand how everybody else has it all figured out while I'm still just this shapeless gray blob! How is that fair?"

"You're still so young, Noelani," Gaby begins. "It's totally normal to still be figuring these things out, and you'll probably change your mind a million times along the way. I know it might look like your friends aren't struggling, but I'm sure their lives aren't as perfect as they seem on the surface. Everyone has their own anxieties and insecurities, it's just that some people are better at hiding them than others, and being a teenager is all about learning how to overcome them. Heck, that's a big part of being an adult, too! The important part is that you acknowledge they exist, which you have. That's the first step to figuring out how to cope with them."

"I don't know, Mom. Sometimes it seems way bigger than that. Sometimes it's like I have all these outside expectations of how I should look and act and think weighing down on me, and I'm not sure they match up with how I feel on the inside... But I can't fully explain how I feel on the inside. That's what's so confusing."

Gaby quickly stands up and walks around to the other side of the bed. "For starters, I think you need a healthier way to process these emotions than keeping them all bottled up. When I was younger, I would always crawl under the covers and breathe slowly in and out, in and out. It let me block out the rest of the world long enough to clear my head. That way, I could step back into it with confidence."

"Come on, why don't you give it a try?" she calls out, her voice muffled by the thick comforter over her head.

Noelani sighs and slowly follows her mother's lead. "I don't know if this is going to help," she mutters, but Gaby begins counting slowly - one breath in, one breath out - and Noelani allows herself to settle into the cool, dark calm of the blanket's cover.

"Now, doesn't that feel better?" Gaby asks five minutes later after they've both resurfaced.

Noelani can't help herself from smiling ever so slightly. "A little," she admits, not wanting to give Gaby too much credit.

A couple nights later, she calls Nani and Malia to ask if they're available to meet up. "I'm sorry I've been acting so weird and distant lately," she says when they've convened on the beach outside the Sand Bar.

"You don't need to apologize," Nani reassures her almost immediately.

"Yeah, we aren't mad or anything," Malia chimes in. "We've just been worried about you. Is everything okay?"

"I think so," Noelani replies slowly, "or it will be. I'm working on it. I guess I've just been feeling a little self-conscious lately. You're both so pretty and smart and cool, and everyone's always saying so, but no one ever says those things about me. But I'm going to try not to measure myself up against others so much anymore. I just need to focus on what makes me me. Now, should we go for a swim?"

As they strip down to their bathing suits and wade into the water (it's the first time Noelani's let anyone see her in a swimsuit in ages - and the first time she's not thinking about how lumpy and pudgy she must look in it), Malia turns toward Noelani with a fierce expression on her face. "Noelani, you're pretty and smart and cool! I'm sorry if we've never told you that before."

"Thanks." Noelani smiles wide, a blush taking over her entire body.

"And if anybody ever tries to tell you you're not," Malia continues, "I swear to god I'll punch their lights out."

As the three of them bob together in the cool, clear pool at the base of the waterfall, Noelani feels her anxiety and self-doubt slowly but surely fade into the background, until they become nothing more than a pinpoint at the back of her brain. She knows they'll be back eventually; she's not expecting a miracle in one night, after all. But it feels good to simply enjoy spending time with her friends again. She may still have a lot of questions about her own identity that she doesn't yet have the answers to, but she feels more confident that she will find them with a strong support system by her side.