A Place to Call Home | 21
Since Christmas, it's been nearly impossible to lure Noelani away from the brand new DJ booth she received from her parents. She doesn't have time for anything else. She's determined to play her first live set in front of an audience on New Year's Eve, which means she has only a week to plan the perfect playlist and master the art of transitioning smoothly from one track to another.
Unfortunately, she keeps getting distracted by her mom, who seems determined to prove her "coolness" by constantly barging in to do some embarrassing dance moves or pepper Noelani with questions about the songs she's playing. No matter how many times Noelani tells her, she doesn't seem to understand that DJ'ing is an art that must be practiced and requires immense focus. It's not just sticking a CD in and hitting play, and Noelani can't keep getting interrupted if she wants to stay in the zone and finish her mix on time.
"MOM!" Noelani shouts at the top of her lungs over the pulsing, bass-heavy music. "For the hundred-millionth time, can you please just leave me alone for five minutes? I'm trying to create here! What about the words 'stay out' do you not understand?"
While working on a freelance programming job, Alvin hears Noelani stomp angrily out of her bedroom. "Chin up, kiddo," he says distractedly. "Things can't be that bad. You're sounding great in there!"
"Why does Mom have to be so irritating all the time?" Noelani whines. "She always has to go and make everything all about herself!"
Of course, it's not just the fact that Gaby keeps coming into her room uninvited that's got Noelani upset. That's only the latest small annoyance that's exacerbating the larger ball of frustration and confusion burning inside of her. Ever since her conversation with Kaimana, every little comment her mom makes - about her clothes, about her hair, about her words, about her actions - gets her riled up. Noelani wants to tell her mom that she's got her all wrong, that she has no idea who her child really is, and that she needs to stop forcing her own assumptions and desires on Noelani and just let her be herself. The only problem is, no matter how many times she plays the conversation through in her head, she can never quite figure out the best way to say all that.
Meanwhile, Gaby slips outside for a breath of fresh air, not entirely clear what she's done wrong, a feeling she's left with multiple times a day recently. She had thought they'd gotten through the worst with Noelani, but she's been acting out again lately, and Gaby wishes she could understand why.
"At least I can always count on you to love me," she tells Meli, who barks delightedly in response. "Isn't that right, girl?"
Alvin pulls himself away from his work to sit down with Noelani, who obviously needs to vent to someone who isn't her mother. "Honey, you know your mom has good intentions," he begins. "She's just trying to bond with you by learning about your interests."
"I'm tired of her good intentions!" Noelani exclaims. "She's too busy trying to score mom points for her own peace of mind that she doesn't even stop to think about how I'm feeling. It's like she's totally unaware of the pressure she's putting on me to be a daughter who only exists in her mind. What if I can't be her daughter at all?"
Slowly, Alvin processes Noelani's question. "What do you mean? Why couldn't you be her daughter... our daughter?"
Noelani takes a deep breath and tells him before the words retreat back inside. "Dad, I don't think I'm a girl."
Alvin thoughtfully bites his lower lip. "Okay. Are you a boy, then?"
"Maybe... I don't know... Probably not. I've tried to think of myself that way, and it never feels quite right either. Have you ever heard the word nonbinary?"
"Of course!" Alvin lets out a relieved laugh, glad to be back on familiar ground, even if it's still a little shaky. "I wasn't born yesterday, you know. It means you're neither, right?" He furrows his brow, second-guessing himself. "Or both?"
"I've been researching it, and it seems like everyone defines it differently. They figure out what it means for themselves. For some people, it means they think of themselves as male and female, sometimes both equally or sometimes one more than the other. For other people, it means they don't identify as male or female at all. They don't think gender is a helpful category to explain who they are. I'm not sure where I fit into that yet, but the more I think about that word, the more it seems to fit me."
"Nonbinary," Alvin repeats. "You know, one of our oldest friends on the island, Lia, is a transgender woman. I bet she might be able to-"
"I've been talking to her already," Noelani interrupts. "I'm learning a lot from her, actually. Aunt Kaimana hooked us up."
"Wait, Kaimana knows?"
"Yeah, I told her before the Winterfest party. I needed to tell someone, but I was afraid of how you guys might react. I'm still afraid of how Mom might react."
"Let me talk to her first," Alvin says, squeezing Noelani's shoulder reassuringly. "It might be hard for her to process initially, but I know your mom. She'll understand, I promise. She only wants you to be happy. We both do." He pulls Noelani up into a big bear hug before heading off to find Gaby.
Alvin knows it's not his place to share the full extent of Noelani's news. Only Noelani can decide how much feels right to reveal to Gaby. Still, maybe he can ease the shock for Gaby and the anxiety for Noelani if he gives her a subtle heads-up first. When he finds her out back, she's overcome with parental frustration. At the sight of him, her emotions bubble to the surface. "I thought we were making progress, but now it's like I'm moving backwards with her again! What am I doing wrong? Why can't I get through to her? I never thought I'd be the sort of mother whose own daughter hates her."
"Noelani doesn't hate you," Alvin replies calmly, feeling like he's been plunged into the role of therapist and mediator without warning. When did he become the most level-headed member of this family? "Actually, I think you two need to talk."
Gaby snorts dismissively. "Haven't you noticed she wants nothing to do with me?"
"There's something Noelani has been trying to tell you for a long time, but I don't think you've been hearing it. But you have to go into the conversation with an open mind. You know I love you, babe, but you can be a little... forceful sometimes."
"Forceful? What are you trying to say?"
"No, it's a good thing, really. You're so passionate, and once you've set your mind on something, you'll do anything to achieve it. We both know you want Noelani to succeed, but sometimes I think your approach is a little more pushy than you mean it to be. Just let Noelani speak and listen, really listen - without interjecting this time."
Back inside, Gaby tentatively takes a seat on the sofa next to Noelani, who she can tell is clearly a bundle of nerves. "Your dad said you have something to tell me?" she prompts, trying to keep her voice as even and calm as possible.
"Mom, you have to promise not to freak out on me."
"Why would I freak out? You know I'll love you no matter what, don't you, baby girl?"
"Ugh, Mom, that's the problem!" Noelani groans, face buried in hands. "I'm not your little girl - or anyone else's. I'm not a girl, period!"
"Not a girl?"
Noelani heaves an exaggerated sigh. "No. I'm nonbinary."
Gaby replies too quickly, forgetting Alvin's instructions to keep her thoughts to herself and just listen patiently for a change. "Well, let's not jump into labeling things before-"
"This isn't just some temporary whim, Mom," Noelani insists, voice growing more assured with every word. "I've felt this way for a long time, but I didn't know how to put words to it. I thought I might be the only one, so I kept the feelings to myself. I tried to believe that it didn't matter what anyone else saw when they looked at me as long as I knew the truth. But now I know that's not true. It's important that people know who I really am and respect and appreciate me for me, not some fake idea of me they've made up in their own heads."
"Okay. But can you really blame us for seeing you as a girl? You make it so confusing sometimes."
Noelani's face goes red with anger. "What's that supposed to mean? It's not like I'm making all of this up just to be difficult! This is my identity!"
"No, no, I didn't mean it like that. I just meant ... Well, last week, you refused to wear a dress for Winterfest, but it doesn't seem to be hurting you any now. Shouldn't it make you uncomfortable if you're not really a girl?"
"Mom, come on! Even you must realize how stupid that sounds. Someone isn't a girl just because they put on a dress one day. A dress is a piece of fabric. It means nothing! If a person says they identify a certain way, it shouldn't matter what clothes they wear. I'm still figuring out how I feel most comfortable, but sometimes I like to wear dresses and sometimes I don't. There's nothing more to it."
"I'm sorry, honey. I've still got a lot to learn, obviously. But I'm willing to educate myself. That must count for something, right?"
Noelani stares at her for what feels like an eternity with a blank, unreadable expression before offering a slight smile. "I guess you're right. It actually means a lot to hear you say that. If you're ready to learn, I've been thinking I want to try out they/them pronouns. Do you think you can handle that?"
Gaby nods enthusiastically. "I'll certainly do my best."
With the weight of such a massive secret off their chest, Noelani is finally in the right head space to finish their ultimate New Year's Eve mega-mix. Even Meli grants it a rare bark of approval.
On the afternoon before the big party, Alvin busts out a celebratory cocktail in anticipation, and Noelani somehow talks him into slipping a glass their way. Of course, the words "Don't tell your mother" are barely out of his mouth when Gaby comes waltzing into the kitchen and catches the two of them red-handed.
"Really? It's barely noon, and you're letting our daughter get drunk?" she asks, raising an eyebrow.
"It's a holiday!" Alvin retorts. "So, yes, I'm letting our child enjoy a single weak cocktail. After all, they will be an adult any day now." He smiles in Noelani's direction, winking in solidarity.
Noelani laughs loudly, already feeling relaxed and floaty after only a few sips. "Yeah, Mom, lighten up! Maybe you need a drink, too."
"Oh, I guess one won't hurt," Gaby says, filling up a glass for herself. She doesn't know how she's gotten so uptight recently, anyway. She used to be so carefree and adventurous. The most important thing is that her family is happy and healthy. In the new year, she resolves, she'll spend less time worrying about whether or not they fit the image of a perfect family she's built up in her mind and instead focus on the family that's really there in front of her - who are perfect in their own way, after all.
When they get to the Sand Bar, it seems like the entire population of Sulani is already crammed inside and shouting to be heard over the joyous island music blasting from the speakers. Alvin immediately seeks out his sister so he can thank her for being there for Noelani when they needed her most. She's modest in the face of his praise, saying only that she did what any aunt would do. "Then let's get this party started!" Alvin yells, pulling a noisemaker from inside his jacket and rattling it in the air. Everyone whoops in response.
"Wow, Noelani, that look is totally banging!" Nani exclaims when the three best friends find each other outside the bar.
Noelani immediately blushes. "You really think so? I almost changed at the last minute."
"No way, it's smoking hot! You look so sexy."
"Geez, you two," Malia mutters, punching Nani, who's still so slack-jawed she's practically drooling, in the shoulder. "Get a room, why don't you?"
She was mostly joking, but suddenly there's an undeniable spark between Nani and Noelani that's never been there before. They both insist upon taking endless selfies on each other's phones and don't even ask Malia to be in the pictures. "Hey, guys, I'm here, too, remember?"
Gaby hangs back and lets Noelani hang out alone with their friends as long as she can, but she just can't stop herself from being a typical mom in the end. "When did you all get so grown up and beautiful?" she asks, greeting Nani and Malia with hugs. They're both already taller than she is. "Why don't you let me get some real pictures?" she continues, whipping out her camera before Noelani can protest. "Those phone selfies cannot possibly do you justice!"
Noelani instantly turns her back to the camera. "Mom, please, you know I hate when you start snapping photos of my every move!"
"Oh, but you look so lovely!" Gaby replies, intent on getting at least one decent shot for their family photo album. She may not manage to capture Noelani's face this time, but she does catch something else: the unmistakable twinkle of attraction in Nani's eyes.
"You're really glowing tonight, honey. Can you blame me for wanting to preserve that on film?"
"Well, you don't have to be so embarrassing about it. I'm with my friends."
Gaby pulls a couple conciliatory sparklers out of her pocket and lights them before handing one to Noelani. "I think Nani has a little crush on you."
Noelani's eyes light up. "You really think so?" Then they seem to remember who they're talking to and add quickly, "Ugh, Mom, stay out of my private life, will you? You're so nosy." But they're smiling the whole time.
Ah, young love, Gaby thinks. She still remembers what that feels like, even if by now it seems like she's separated from her own teenage days by about a million years. She knows that Noelani's unique identity might make the world a little harsher on them than it should be, but if she has any say in it (or if Nani does, by the looks of it), they'll also be surrounded by more light and love than they'll know what to do with.
Minutes before the clock strikes midnight, Gaby manages to steal the coveted shot of Noelani, looking happier and more confident than ever, that she's been waiting for all night.
"Come on, everyone!" Noelani shouts as they run outside with Gaby and Kaimana trailing behind them. "It's only 30 seconds away!"
Of course, the reason they're so excited for the countdown to end is less because it marks the beginning of the New Year and more because it means they can finally start playing their premiere DJ set ... which will hopefully soon draw a bigger audience than their parents shamelessly extending their stroke-of-midnight kiss into a full make-out session.
Luckily, once Noelani gets into the groove, everyone at the party seems to enjoy their musical choices. Of course, by this point, there's been enough alcohol imbibed collectively for any kind of music to sound good, but the sight of everyone dancing and grooving is still enough to make their chest swell up with pride.
One day, hopefully in the not-too-distant future, they hope to be playing to an audience of hundreds. But there's still plenty of time to achieve that dream. Now that Noelani is starting to feel more comfortable in their own skin, they can finally envision an adult life where success and happiness are achievable goals instead of impossible ones.
"Oh my God, that was so amazing!" Nani gushes when the set is over. "I posted so many videos to my Simstagram Stories! I can't wait for everyone to see how crazy talented you are!"
"It was great," Malia agrees, a knowing tone in her voice as Nani practically explodes with infatuation next to her. "I've got to go, though. My grandparents aren't used to being up this late. Have fun, you two!"
Noelani and Nani are so busy flirting, though it's not entirely clear if either of them realize that's what they're doing, that they barely take notice of Malia's departure.
"Just look at those two!" Gaby marvels as Alvin leans in for yet another beery New Year's kiss. "They're totally in puppy love with one another." Suddenly, her expression turns serious. She grabs Alvin by the wrist and forces him to meet her eyes. "We did a good job with Noelani, right, for the most part? They've turned out to be a great kid, don't you think?"
"They're an amazing kid," Alvin replies, instantly sobering up, "and I'm sure they'll be an amazing adult, too."
Gaby can hardly believe how many milestones she's achieved in Sulani. When she first arrived with Alvin all those years ago, neither of them had any idea they'd be making it their permanent home, that they'd get married there or make so many lifelong friends there or purchase a house next to a volcano there or raise a kind, smart, and sensitive child to near-adulthood there. Thinking about Noelani's potential, Gaby can feel herself fading into the background of the larger story, but she doesn't mind. She's had her moment in the spotlight, probably a few too many moments than any one individual deserves, and she's ready to sit back and hand the reins over to someone else. Noelani and their friends will do great things on the island and hopefully far beyond it. They will leave a lasting impact, she's sure of it, and make their parents proud many times over. She can sleep more easily now that she's certain the future of Sulani will be left in beyond capable hands.
***
Now that I've achieved my new year's resolution of finally completing this story (if not fully doing justice to the vague ideas about it that have been percolating in my head for probably two and a half years now), here's hoping I can now move on to everything else I've got sitting in the vault, which naturally involves much more Noelani and plenty of exciting new adventures.
I've struggled with writer's block in all regards on and off (but mostly on) for a few years now, and this blog is really the only thing that's kept my creative juices flowing, as silly as that seems. Recently, I've tentatively forayed back into other modes of writing, and while I'm very happy about that, I still love the idea of this little blog that no one reads as an outlet for more low-pressure creative output. I also love my Sims too much to fully walk away from them. So while my schedule here may always be a little sporadic, you can count on me to keep returning time and time again. Fingers crossed for a productive 2021 in which I unload enough of my backlog to actually get back to playing regularly without worrying about getting too far ahead!